Can you hear me?

I’ve always been drawn to spirituality. I’ve been a seeker, for decades. But I’ve never quite been able to find what I’m looking for.

Maybe I’m expecting too much. I want a direct experience with the Divine Presence, or whatever you want to call it.

There have been moments where I’ve felt like I could almost reach the face of God.

But these instances are highly uncommon.

Without that very visceral experience of resonance with the Light, it is difficult to imagine a Higher Power that is concerned with us personally.

I’ve read about Sufism, Buddhism, Kabbalah, and Judaism. Honestly, I think there are several spiritual traditions that I’ve dipped into, that I’ve forgotten about.

It’s those times when people are suffering the most that they cry out the loudest, for God and for salvation.

I’ve had decades worth of severe depression, and generalized anxiety disorder to inform my perspective. For several years, I was feeling much better. Like the world had a bit of a glow to it, and like I might actually accomplish something tangible with my life.

Recently, I’ve felt my old tormentor returning. Though I do everything I can, to close the door to him, he is too strong for me to grapple with, and win.

All of us have burdensome issues in our lives, and pain.

I realize it’s not a matter of being free of that pain, or ‘happy’ all of the time, that constitutes a meaningful existence.

I try to rouse myself on Saturday mornings, to attend Shabbat services at Synagogue. Most often, I am unsuccessful. When I am, I feel uplifted to a degree, but still like I’m missing something that is of key importance.

It’s like, God, are You listening? It’s me, Wendy!

On very rare occasions I feel a soft quivering within that is soulful. That enlightens me.

In Nature, it is easier to imagine the Ein Sof, or Infinite One. The trees, the birds, the snow, the skyline of the mountains against puffy clouds, they all inspire me.

I’m just wondering, is it true that getting older means getting wiser, or does one have to make a definitive choice? I feel myself being dragged down into a numbing bitterness, that is not where I want to go.

So, I suppose there is more work to do.

The Shekinah, is the divine feminine in Judaism. Believe it or not, God is referred to as ‘They’, instead of Him, in some passages of Torah.

I call to Her often. I wonder if she hears me cry out with all of my angst and pain, and responds to me in some way.

Perhaps she only watches in silence, sending her love to people everywhere; throughout time, distance, space.

Either way, I urgently need to make a connection with Her that is lasting.

One of my Rabbi’s spoke of us having filters that at times get goop and crud running through them. She believes that God in the feminine, or the masculine, or in whatever form you choose to envision Her, is always with us.

That the clogged up filters get in the way of us registering the Divine.

So, I guess I need to keep scrubbing away the grime, and maybe, with some elbow grease,  I’ll manage to open the floodgates that are currently blocked, and I will finally experience her Presence, in all Her grace and majesty.

Sometimes, it’s just hard to keep the faith, and to keep on trying.

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Mother Mary catching a cold in the snow. Photo by Wendy

1 Comment

  1. I’m neither religious nor spiritual, so I’m not much use here. I do think that a connection generally (I still feel a connection, to the world, to nature, a sense of grounding) is harder when those lines are ‘clogged’ as you say, when there’s too much in your head and your heart. Sometimes I wish we would more easily give our brains a spring clean. Just grab a duster and the vacuum and within 20 mins we’ll be good as new. How brilliant would that be?! Persevere, give yourself some time and space and I hope you’re able to strengthen that connection you’re in need of lovely xx

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