I am just using this painting as an example. I have this habit of sending out photos of paintings I’m not finished with yet, to get a sense of peoples’ reactions to them.
Not a great idea. As you would guess, everyone has different ideas about what they like and don’t like regarding my work, and I can’t say I’m not affected by these opinions.
My father, upon seeing the initial painting, claimed that it looks like a demon zebra. I wasn’t too happy with his response, to say the least.
I got some other negative feedback, as well, so rather than stick with my plan, I decided to give in to the expectations, and make the piece less intense.
Believe it or not, I did not write this article for approval of my paintings, I wrote it to illustrate how easily influenced I am, when it comes to the comments and opinions of my friends and family.
I so want to be liked and approved of. My work is an extension of my soul.
Somehow, I’ve always felt like I’m something broken in need of repair, and inept at living a normal, and meaningful life. This lack of faith in my own judgment is tied into these thoughts.
I know as humans, that we all need approval from our peers. I just feel like I desire/need more than usual!
I’ve written before about my recent flare of Crohn’s disease.
It hasn’t flared in 25 years, which I’m very thankful for. And this bout hasn’t really been too hard to cope with.
Well, my Gastroenterologist in town, wants to put me on a drug called Humira. It needs to be injected(by me), and is not a medication to take lightly.
I’ve called this particular doctor’s office a handful of times, with anxious questions about the Humira, and have received no reply.
My first thoughts were, “Are they finding me annoying?”, “Should I just trust the doctor, and start the drug?”.
This is a heavy duty drug that is potentially life threatening, and I’m worried about what my Gastroenterologist, and his assistant think about me, and my concerns?
Today, I spoke to a nurse who works for the drug company, and asked her about how long the average treatment lasts for people in my situation. She informed me that I probably would be on it for the remainder of my life, as if you start and stop the medication, you can built up a tolerance for it, and it will no longer work!
At this point, I’ve concluded that I don’t care so much about what my doctor thinks of me.
I’ve had Crohn’s since I was 10 years old, and through my life I’ve encountered a number of docs who have made seriously bad judgment calls.
When I was told that I needed to be on Humira, by my doc, he told me pretty much nothing about it. He certainly did not mention that it would be a life long commitment. He did mention that a bunch of his patients are on it and doing very well.
I wonder; would he prescribe this drug to his daughter, or take it himself?
In this situation, I’m being given the opportunity to make my own decision in regards to taking this drug, and to worry less about what people will think of me. I had seriously been thinking of just trying to take the shots, to see if my low grade symptoms would be resolved, in part because I didn’t want to cause waves.
I wrote a letter to this docs assistant today, via the offices portal for patients, and told her that I am going to take a month to think about whether or not I want to pursue Humira as a medical option for myself. I told her to tell my doc about this decision, and frankly have no idea if I’ll ever get a response.
I’m not saying here that no one should take Humira, or that it’s a horrendous drug. I’m just wondering if it’s the right course of action for me.
So, in the next month, I will keep a close eye on my Crohn’s symptoms, to make sure that they’re not worsening. I’m hoping my GI guy will be on board, and not let his ego get in the way of a helping a concerned patient.
If my health begins to obviously deteriorate, I will most likely give in, and take the Humira.
For now, I’ll just deal with the mild nausea, the weight loss(holding steady), and my nearly non-existent desire to eat.
I also am going to do my best to stop sending unfinished paintings to friends and family.
I have an inner voice, or intuition, that truly does know things. I’d like to teach myself to rely on it more frequently, and to trust my innermost self.
It’s a big project. But it’s one that has begun already, and will most probably be completely resolved, only upon my death.
Remember, that you have this intuition, too. Don’t allow anyone to stomp on you, and dismiss you, just because you don’t see things in the same was that they do. Especially when it’s about your health, or anything that resides close to your heart.