Uninspired

It’s been difficult for me to tell recently, whether my lack of enthusiasm to paint and to write has to do with,

  1. Being lazy
  2. Being sick
  3. Being depressed
  4. All of the above

Spring has sprung, and it’s raining like crazy in Ashland. The gray days, and being pelted by water droplets are not appealing to me.

It seems that my bed is my favorite place to be(with my cat Priscilla at my feet).

I constantly question myself and my motivation, as I’m never quite sure what it is that’s making me retreat to my bedroom/bed.

I’m starting a new drug called Humira, for my Crohn’s disease, which is injected(by me), twice a month. It’s a pretty serious drug, and can cause a lot of problems around infections getting out of control, because it lowers your white blood cell count.

Part of me wonders, if my Crohn’s disease is at a serious enough point to be using this new med. It will be shipped to me monthly, and I get my first package delivered this Tuesday the 21st. A nurse with show me how to shoot myself up with the stuff. Oh joy.

Autoimmune diseases, like Crohn’s disease, Lupus, and Rheumatoid arthritis can cause a lot of fatigue. Kind of like when you have the flu, but it’s much more long lasting, and in my life has been a constant.

I keep waiting to be inspired to paint, and it’s not happening, so at some point, I will use have to sit myself in front of a canvas and do some work. Hopefully it will be fun, and not feel like I’m struggling through dense nougat, or something. I’ve found that sometimes the inspiration comes partway into my painting, or it doesn’t come at all.

I know I can be really hard on myself. I’m attempting to relax a bit with the self-judgment, but it’s not working that well.

A friend of mine who has CFS, and has suffered with it for decades, told me about a website specifically for individuals with chronic illnesses. I’m guessing from his description of it, that it is quite inspiring, and is written totally, or primarily by a bunch of sick people.

I know that everyone has their own problems, and pain, and that suffering is simply suffering, whatever the cause. I know that my Crohn’s could be much worse than it is now, as it was many eons ago. It can be helpful to me to read about other people’s health struggles.

I saw a new Psychiatrist yesterday, as my old one moved to Colorado(sigh). Thankfully, this new doc seems pretty cool. She went to Johns Hopkins, and to Harvard, and has a very alternative approach to analyzing her patients. She told me that the medical research papers are piling up regarding swelling in the gut, causing swelling in the brain, hence ‘mental illness’.

She works with functional medicine, as well as Psychiatry, which has to do with getting to the root cause of health problems. I’ve always thought functional medicine sounded good, but I don’t know exactly what it is, or how it works. She spoke about finding the deeper reasons for the inflammation in my gut/body.

Again, I don’t truly understand what functional medicine is, but I am willing to work with this highly paid Psychiatrist, to find out. She certainly seems incredibly smart, but I’ve dealt with brilliant docs in the past, who have not been able to help me much. That said, I’m excited about working with her.

It’s morbidly interesting to see how physical illness feeds into mental illness, and vice versa. Occasionally I emerge from the darkest states, for no apparent reason. At other times, it seems that nothing I do can bring me out of the depths, and into the light.

I think that life is hard for most of us. I am hoping that as I gain wisdom and perspective that it will get a bit easier.

It’s pretty unlikely, but one can hope…

1 Comment

  1. I’d be interested in what the website is you were told about.
    I’m sorry you’re still feeling ‘bleh’, for lack of a better word. Maybe it’s lack of motivation and more psychological, or maybe it’s combined with feeling exhausted mentally/physically?
    I’m glad the new psych is good; it sounds like she’s got an interesting approach with the gut/brain side of things.
    Good luck with starting the Humira. It is a serious drug but maybe it will be really helpful and that will outweigh any potential side-effects.. fingers crossed! Sending hugs xxxx

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