Cultivating Discipline

One of my housemates is an extremely good artist. He draws nearly every day, and spends hours experimenting with his mediums.

Our work is very different stylistically.

I found though, that recently it’s been more difficult for me to paint, and that my confidence regarding my skills as an artist have plummeted.

I went through a year-long period of time, where I felt so inspired to paint animals. Different images of a variety of beings filled my head, and I had no real feelings of insecurity about what I was doing.

I feel like something in me has dried up, and I need to find a spring of fresh water to fill it up again.

Because I’ve been so ill most of my life, I’ve been left with a great deal of free time. I know that working folk mostly envy me for this, but I’ve found that more time doesn’t mean that I get more done.

If anything, I’ve discovered that the reverse is true. Maintaining a sense of discipline without external guidelines is extremely challenging, and I have yet to master it.

I think, too, because of my recent flare of Crohn’s disease, I’ve felt more vulnerable, more tired, and less confident in general. The time in a day is often more of an enemy than a friend, and I struggle to keep myself out of bed, and busy.

Of course, where there is physical illness, depression is often present, too. My desire to sleep comes in part from not feeling well, but it also has to do with feeling like I don’t have much control over my life. Sleep is the most effective form of escape from existence, that I know of, outside of death.

I feel that it’s important for me to have a schedule that I stick too. It doesn’t have to be to the minute, like when we were in grade school, but it does have to include specific hours when I’ll be working.

It’s interesting how challenging it can be to start new habits.

I have this thing, where I wake up, put on my glasses, and start futzing around with my cell phone. Sometimes for over an hour, while I’m drinking my coffee. It doesn’t end up feeling very good, and it doesn’t feel like a healthy way for me to start the morning.

So, I’ve been attempting to spend quality time with my kitty, eat something decent for breakfast, meditate, and shower, before I’m allowed to pick up my cell phone.

This is harder than one would expect it to be.

Setting up a time to paint, and a time to write will, most likely be even more difficult than leaving my cell phone alone until noon.

Wish me luck.

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2 Comments

  1. OMG, I can’t imagine not poking around in my cellphone over coffee. It’s mindless, which is perfect since my mind doesn’t function until it’s been fed at least 2 cups of coffee😆
    Good luck with your efforts! I actually completely understand where you’re at right now. (((hugs)))

    1. Yeah, I need two cups of coffee, too, before I can function. But something about being on the phone first thing, for an hour at the least makes me feel yucky! Sometimes I wonder if I have issues with the EMF’s, as I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, as well as Crohn’s disease, and I know that some individuals are highly sensitive to them. I totally empathize with you, too. Suffering is suffering, whatever the cause, and it seems there is way too much of it! Hugs to you, girl. W

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