Passover Musings

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I’m not finished with this ass-kicking angel, yet. I’m going to place her above my bed, for protection, once she’s done.

This year, I’m not celebrating Passover, or Pesach as observant Jews call it.

I’ve been pretty ill, angry, and depressed, so the huge Passover gathering(seder), that is held by my temple, just didn’t feel appealing.

Currently, I am being especially awful, as I’m eating, and greatly enjoying Amy’s gluten free macaroni and cheese.

Starting Passover evening, and for an entire week following this, we’re supposed to avoid anything with leavening in it. Does pasta fall into that category? I’m not certain.

It’s sad, but at this point in time my brain is working poorly, and I cannot clearly recall WHY this whole thing about only eating unleavened bread(Matzah), exists.

It’s always easier to feel close to G-d, when everything is going sort of okay.

I’ve been thinking about what freedom means to me. Passover, is about the Hebrew’s release from slavery to the Egyptians. I asked my Rabbi about whether or not this situation was historical, or if there is much evidence to support the idea of the Egyptians having Hebrew slaves. He said no, there isn’t much evidence, and that it’s kind of impossible to know if the story is ‘true’.

But it really is true if you see it as allegorical.

The concept of freedom from oppression is universal. There are oh so many different forms of slavery.

True freedom to me, is about learning to be a little more flexible, a little less controlled by my suffering,  and what else?

The Buddhists speak a lot about freedom from suffering. Though humanity’s reality is physical, emotional, and spiritually painful, there exists a way to rise above(at least partly) suffering.

I’ve meditated for a long time. I have yet to get anywhere close to Nirvana.

I do think I’m closer to seeing my thinking clearly. Which, even after eons of therapy, is a big deal.

I believe that being able to see our thoughts clearly is the first step towards being better adjusted as a person.

It can take some pretty intense pain, to get us to make progress. Or at least for me to make progress. I hate generalizations.

Psych meds can also be somewhat helpful. But they definitely do not magically turn one into a happy camper.

I’ve written before about how we can talk to ourselves in purely evil ways that wear away at our sanity. We speak to ourselves in ways that we would never speak to anyone else.

For me, the closer I get to being able to catch myself, and acknowledge my stinkin’ thinking(Saturday Night Live), the better able I am to press rewind, and add in some thoughts that make me feel a little less horrible.

Maybe to you, this sounds like a very small thing.

For me it is the road to true freedom.

 

1 Comment

  1. Acknowledging & catching those thoughts and feelings can be hard, dealing with them harder still, and yet I agree that doing so would be freedom. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so incredibly rough lately. There will be brighter days around the corner, so ease up on yourself a little (including the eating – enjoy it) and know that we’ll all be thinking of you ♥♥
    Caz xx

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