Aimless

Spinning outwards through the haze

No center, core, or path being made.

Lost and sad, no volition,

I’m sorry I’m in this condition.

Gazing inwards, filled with pain

or feeling nothing at all

the numbness of indifference

of depression

of despair

Now that my focus is gone,

I have no sense as to where to hold on.

I can’t even get myself to write

about the emptiness I feel each night.

Okay, so I’m not much of a poet. However inept my previous words were, they were honest.

Ever since my Bat Mitzvah, several weeks ago, I’ve been feeling like I’m falling down a dark hole. I reach out, and try to hold on to something, anything, that will keep me from plummeting even further, but have been unsuccessful.

It’s been challenging to do much of anything.

My flat is a mess, and I mostly don’t have the will to make myself clean it. I just tidied up the kitchen a bit, and I’m exhausted.

With depression comes this sense of being wholly overwhelmed by life.

The exhaustion I normally experience is far more disabling, now. When my mood is good, and I’m feeling uplifted, I get so much more done for this reason.

I know I have loads to be thankful for. Something about being depressed makes it nearly impossible to appreciate this.

I recently saw a new MD, who I’d been waiting to see for nearly 8 months. She is testing me for Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, which is an autoimmune disease of the thyroid gland, which causes many of the symptoms I have. I’m almost hoping that I do have it, because then it might mean I could get some relief.

When you’ve lived for decades with illnesses that are complex to treat, or to identify, it gets really frustrating.

Because I have some other autoimmune conditions, this doc, whom I liked very much, thinks it likely that I could have Hashimoto’s.

I look out at my beautiful view- the ringing in my ears, from my medications is constant and distracting. I see the beauty, but somehow it doesn’t move me as it should.

Once I get back to college in February, I think I’ll be better off. I just am not good with imposing structure upon myself. Which is probably a trait that I share with many people. More time does not necessarily mean that more gets done, as I am finding out now.

 

1 Comment

  1. This is wonderfully penned but I’m sorry you feel like this because as I was reading I was thinking how I could have written the same (just not as eloquently). “When you’ve lived for decades with illnesses that are complex to treat, or to identify, it gets really frustrating” – that is very true. I feel at the moment that I’m untethered, don’t know where I’m going, restless yet too exhausted, no enjoyment in what should be enjoyed or appreciated, and it’s a shitty, awful place to be. Some days are worse than others and we need to be a little kinder to ourselves I think and do whatever it takes to just get through them. There will be brighter days, you will get through this. Sending hugs, Karen xxxx

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