It’s funny how I’ve lived with so many different issues, without being fully or fundamentally aware of them.
Recently, I’ve realized, that I spend my days feeling like a grizzly bear is chasing me down, through a bleak,dark forest.
I feel so anxious, the vast majority of the time, that I’ve grown to see this state as normal.
I’m perceiving, though, that this isn’t normal, and that the majority of people on this planet aren’t freaked out constantly, for no apparent reason.
I’ve become aware, of how painful it is to live, being trapped in this mode of existence. And it feels just like existence, not true living, because I’m in a state of intense pain mostly, and it makes just getting by a challenge.
My anxiety has been much worse, recently. I feel like a nightmarish creature with fangs, and claws has caught ahold of me, and has set up shop on my chest.
I ask him politely, and at times not so politely, to leave, but either he cannot hear me, or he doesn’t care at all about my feelings. I tend to lean towards the second thought.
Chronic anxiety, and fear, almost takes on a physical shape of it’s own. It’s weight is so tangible. It’s effects are so debilitating.
Perhaps there is hope here? I feel like acknowledging how troubling this is for me, is a first step in the healing process. Acknowledging that it’s not ‘normal’ to be constantly afraid sounds like it should be easy enough to figure out. But when you are stuck in the middle of something for long periods of time, it can be hard to see clearly.
I pray a great deal to the Almighty. Sometimes, I even feel that He’s listening. I believe my prayers will be different tonight than they usually are.
It’s easy to get caught up in thinking of what you want, and don’t have, which can leave you feeling unhappy and deprived. But, it is important to have dreams. And to believe that one’s life can get better.
My dream right now, is to get to a place in life, where I’m functioning more frequently from a place of ease, within myself.
I’m going to focus on what I want, instead of what I don’t want. More an experiment, than anything else.
We’ll see how it all comes out.