I’m sick of this

I’m having one of those days where I’m feeling just about as vulnerable as a kitten being stalked by a coyote.

In my case though, the threat is invisible, and unknown. Anxiety strikes me at random moments. It’s so painful, and uncomfortable to deal with, that sometimes I think about suicide.

In the past I’ve made suicide attempts, but I’ve made promises to several people not to ever take my own life.

It’s tricky addressing fear that is always an undercurrent in life.

I’ve endured decades of therapy, and I’m still struggling with this overwhelming condition.

Ever since my youth I remember feeling frightened, unsafe, nervous.

Yes, I’ve grown stronger, but it’s a truly loathsome companion that doesn’t want to exit.

I thought that being in Hawaii would be healing, and maybe it has been in certain ways.

I feel like my psyche attacks me, every chance it has. I try so hard to be mindful, and not fall into worst case scenarios, like, this will never be better, or, I’m always going to feel this way. I catch myself doing this, and once in awhile, I can slow down my breathing, and in turn my thought processes.

Sometimes this works, but often it doesn’t.

I’m doing everything I can to deal with this effectively, but it isn’t always enough. I just want to lay in bed with the covers over my head. But that just makes things worse, as I then fixate on my anxiety and on how fucking sick I am of it, which makes it bigger.

I do what I can, when I can, and I try to remember how hard I’m trying. It sucks when life just feels like a job from waking to sleeping. Something to endure rather than to enjoy.

I’m very angry about having had to deal with this for so long, I wish I could be in someone else’s brain for awhile, just to get a break from my own. Unfortunately, this is not an option…

2 Comments

  1. Reading this made my heart ache. Please do remember how much you’re trying, how you can only do what you can, and that you’re facing this head on rather than wishing it would go away. Just wanted to send love and hugs your way… ♥♥
    Caz x

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