I wrote a bit in my last post about the benefits of say, making a commitment to writing a book badly, rather than not even attempting to try.
I’ve noticed that my perfectionism and those constant fears of not being talented enough, or of having enough of import to share, can keep me frozen in a space of inactivity.
I often go over and over ideas in my mind of what I can do, without being able to deliver.
At the same time, I am better at this doing thing than I once was.
About 10 years ago, or even 6 years ago, I was dealing with such severe depression, and suicidal ideation, that just walking down the hall to use the toilet took tremendous effort.
I acknowledge that I’ve grown a lot, and that I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually much better off than I used to be.
I’m still on lots of psychiatric medications, and struggling with my intestinal health, but that all pales in comparison to what my life once looked like. This was over a span of decades, not just months or years.
I read about this concept of doing things badly, in an article that an acquaintance sent on living with anxiety. Much of the piece didn’t resonate with me, but the, “doing things badly, rather than not at all,” did.
I’m on Maui right now. I am very fortunate, I know. I think it would be frustrating to live here, while suffering with chronic depression, as people would expect me to be perpetually blissed out.
No matter where I go, my brain is carried with me in my skull. I’d like to give it a break, and refrain from thinking for awhile, but I suppose that isn’t possible.
Maui is gorgeous. Tomorrow I’m going on a snorkeling tour to visit the island of Lanai, where I’ve never been before. It begins at 10 am, and goes until 6 pm. 3 hours of the trip is just sailing from Lahaina to Lanai and back.
I think I bit off more than I can chew with this one.
With my CFS, and anxiety combined, it can be a challenge being around folks I don’t know. There will probably be at least one couple that just got engaged or married, and are all over one another. Yuck.
I’ve traveled alone in Hawaii, a lot. I’m not complaining(well, I sort of am), but it would be nice to have a friend or a significant other to join me one of these days. Once I’ve paid off all of my debt, and actually have a boyfriend, it would be pleasant to go again.
I need a lot of alone time. I need a lot of time to rest and relax. So, hopefully this adventure tomorrow will turn out well, and I won’t freak out and lock myself in the bathroom. Hopefully this boat has one.