Utter Chaos

I am becoming a Bat Mitzvah, on September 29th, of this year.

I began my studies with Rabbi Joshua, Marilyn, and Robert, around 2 or so months ago. Marilyn and Robert are also older folks, who’ve decided at this point in their lives, that learning more about Judaism is important to them.

I had to learn the Hebrew alphabet, so I can get up in front of everyone, at my ceremony, and read several lines from the Torah. Hopefully, my brain won’t conk out on that very special day.

I’ve pretty much gotten the letters down, but am definitely not rock solid when it comes to differentiating them. I’ve enjoyed learning a new alphabet. It’s been a meaningful experience for me.

My art show opening is tomorrow evening, at a gallery in Ashland. I managed to get everything done, and get my pieces over to Campbell today, who is the owner of the place.

I am flying to Maui for two weeks, on the 8th.

I think I wrote about my state of overwhelm before, so forgive me if I’m repeating myself, but this feels like a lot!

I would like to be spending more time studying for my Bat Mitzvah, and writing my essay, than I have been. I can find it extremely challenging to focus.

Time passes so quickly. It’s rather alarming to me.

An acquaintance of mine recently sent me an article about anxiety and perfectionism. What stayed with me from the piece, was the idea that it’s better to do something badly, than to do nothing at all.

Often, in the past, I would torment myself, and couldn’t get anything done, because I expected perfection. Thankfully that is changing.

Hopefully, I won’t do a bad job at my Bat Mitzvah, but it’s important that I stay the course and complete what I started.

Unfortunately I’m not one of those people who is easy going, and at ease in the world. It’s just not my personality. I’m doing my best to work with this. To understand that I need to accept my foibles and flaws. To move forward, with a bit more discipline, and compassion. Perhaps it’s time to put my whip down.

There is so much good in my life. People who care about me, whom I can rely on. A roof over my head. A spectacular view. Parents who support me in many different ways.

It can be tough for me to see this, when I get caught up in my mind. I often feel like I’m spinning around at high speed, in the midst of a tornado.

I guess most of us have a difficult time being ourselves, and liking ourselves. At least this is the case for the majority of the people that I know.

It would be nice if existing were a bit easier. But as they say, “It is what it is.”

I hate that saying.

 

 

2 Comments

  1. What that is a lot going on – I’d be overwhelmed with any one of those things, let alone all of them to juggle. You can do it. Just take it steady and get enough time out for yourself if you can. You can only do the best you can, and you’ll be able to work more in preparation for the Bat Mitzvah when you can, there’s still time. Wishing you all the very best with the art show! And have a safe trip and a wonderful time in Maui! Deep breath… 🙂
    Caz xx

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