The Bumpy Road

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North Mountain Park, Ashland OR

I’ve been writing far less frequently, lately.

I guess you could say that I have been unusually overwhelmed. Most days, I have some level of anxiety, but it’s not normal given who I am, to feel constantly like I’m going to pop from the pressure.

It’s interesting how even good things can be anxiety provoking.

I’ve a lot in my life to be thankful for.

I live in a beautiful place. I have a supportive, albeit small, group of dear friends here. I have my first significant artist opening at a gallery in town, on July 6th. I am becoming a Bat Mitzvah, on September 29th. And I am going to Maui for 2 weeks, on the 8th of July.

There are things that are too personal to mention, happening with me right now in my life. I know that’s difficult to believe as I tend to spread my deepest feelings, like jam on peanut butter, on this page.

I am feeling challenged to grow, and to let go of certain old ways of thinking and being.

It’s always exhausting relearning how to walk. Or to do anything.

I suppose I am learning to better monitor my own thinking. My mind can take me to such dark places, and often it does.

If I can remember to breathe, and pause for a moment, I gain greater clarity about 99.9 percent of the time.

The hardest thing is the remembering.

I’m getting better at being more focused, but my mind has this tendency to drift off into catastrophic thinking in terms of the future, or towards painful memories of my past.

This morning I found a soft lump in my neck. I could feel it from the inside of my throat. My swallowing abilities were affected, as was the sound of my voice.

I watched myself thinking the words cancer, terminal, and death, immediately.

It ended up being nothing that the docs in urgent care could explain. They could feel it, but thankfully serious health issues were ruled out. My body just does some weird shit occasionally.

I’m feeling very thankful to the friend who came along with me, to distract me, while we were waiting for test results today. I also feel very thankful that nothing new is seriously wrong with me.

At one time, perhaps 5 years ago or more, I don’t think I would have felt so thankful about this diagnosis, as I’d suffered with so much for so long, that I felt like dying would be easier.

It felt huge to me, to realize,at a conscious level, how valuable my life is to me. Despite the pain and the hardship. Or perhaps because of it.

I’m exhausted both emotionally and physically. But at least for today, I am feeling like it’s all worth the effort.

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close up of rose that I bought for myself
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3 Comments

  1. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling overwhelmed and ready to pop, too. Anxiety can come even with the good things, and while it’s wonderful you can appreciate the things you have to be grateful for, sometimes it’s not enough to overcome the struggles. I’m glad the docs ruled out serious issues with the lump, but it’s a worrying thing so I’m not surprised you jumped to scary thoughts. I’m sorry my reply is a little late as I’m only just catching up from the last few days. Please hang in there – you’re doing the best you can and these things, such as monitoring your thinking and remembering to breathe and get perspective, are not easy. It’s a day by day work in progress. Some days are harder than others. Sending love your way.
    Caz xx

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