I’m not sure when I last wrote, but it seems the more time that passes, the harder it is for me to share my thoughts with my readers. Or even make sense of the feelings that are a burden to my mind.
I like to be funny. I like to be positive. I want to inspire people.
However, I’m not always in a place where this is possible.
Over the past three months, I’ve suffered a great deal with ongoing health problems.
I’m no stranger to chronic illness, but something about this period in my life has brought me down to a lower point than I’ve been in awhile.
Though the docs finally found out what’s been ailing me, it’s not an easy situation to remedy. I’m nearly finished with my second course of antibiotics, and I’ve still got a long way to go before I’ll be feeling somewhat normal again.
It’s close to impossible to feel grateful and upbeat, when you are constantly dealing with intestinal issues. People don’t understand why you keep saying no to their offers to get out, and then they stop asking.
The other afternoon, I was doing my best to appreciate the outdoors. I was painting a portrait of a sage of sorts, by the creek in Lithia Park. The water I was using to paint with got dirty, and I made the poor choice to go down the side of the creek to retrieve clean water.
The downhill journey was fine, but on the way up, I missed a rock that was just a bit too far for my foot reach. I fell down the hill, my arms and legs splayed out in every direction. I came close to bursting into tears. I now have a green bruise on my thigh, which is about 3 inches long, by 2 inches wide.
Thankfully, I was wearing thick jeans, so the scrapes I got didn’t go deep, and didn’t get infected.
Today, as I stepped out of bed, half asleep, I slipped on the hardwood flooring, and landed on my right hip. One nail on my left hand ripped away from it’s base, and was bloodied and painful.
I know that life tends to rotate in cycles. That the dark times don’t last forever, even though it can sometimes feel that way
I’ve been doing my best to paint, to see close friends, to eat good food, and to nourish myself in body and soul as much as I can. Hot baths with relaxing music in the background can occasionally make me forget how hard life has been, and how difficult it is as of late for me to smile.
I feel I have more to add here, but I’m not sure what that is. Being in a dark hole, with no obvious openings or light shining through can be quite disheartening, or rather heart breaking.
Hopefully, I will soon be able to discern my way out of the darkness and into the light. For now, I’m just doing my best to be hopeful that this period in my life will not go on until the end of time.
A friend of mine, found a Hebrew prayer that had been buried in his box of religious writings for years. It appealed to me, and I discovered that it is meant to be a Kabbalistic prayer that is supposedly hugely powerful. I’ve been reading it daily. It certainly can’t hurt, and perhaps it will even, in subtle ways, help me.
The first line is-
Ana Bekoach, Gedulat Yeminecka, Tatir Tserura
It is often sung, and is called the Ana Bekoach prayer. There are some lovely versions of it, on Youtube, with the English translation.