Depressed Already

Crow painting-My work is getting decidedly darker

I can’t figure it out. Almost instantaneously, when I return to Ashland, from Hawaii, I feel the weight of depression coming down on me. I feel worse physically. I’ve had allergies since Saturday evening, when I flew in. Wondering if my cat is the problem?

Not sure what I’ll do if she is.

I’m just so damned tired. Was coughing and blowing snot into tissues all day. No fun.

I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, about 20 years ago, at Stanford, by a CFS researcher, there. I’ve decided that is the popular diagnosis for those of us who are debilitated by fatigue over long periods of time, when doctors can’t explain why.

Most people don’t come close to getting what it’s like to have a body that feels leaden and immobile from morning to night. For years. Or in my case decades.

It’s like someone with sadness comparing themselves to someone with major depressive disorder. “Just pull yourself up from your bootstraps”, they say. What if you don’t have any bootstraps? That’s not my quote, but I think it explains things well.

With CFS, healthy people compare feeling tired after work, to being disabled by fatigue. “Come on, just push yourself. You’re not trying hard enough. Why don’t you exercise?”, is a common comment. Or at least a thought I can read in the judgment in people’s eyes, when I tell them I am unable to work.

I’ve even had people tell me I’m lucky. People can be so thoughtless, and stupid. Sometimes it’s unbelievable.

I really do my best to be thankful for the life I’ve been given. I know I have much to be grateful for. At times like these, that gratitude eludes me. It’s not something that can be forced.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to figure out what’s causing these allergies. That immune response associated with them is tiring. I am tired enough!

view of Grizzly peak from my living room, it’s too cold to go outside…


  1. Allergies suck, and they are even worse when added to a chronic condition. My allergies and COPD do not play well together, so I kind of understand where you’re coming from. (((hugs)))

  2. Thanks for the support, Cynthia. I’m sorry you suffer from COPD. I’ve heard that is very hard to deal with. Yeah, when you have a chronic condition, even something that might seem negligent to healthy people, becomes a weight to bear for us. It sucks. Hugs to you, to.

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