Waiting Is the Worst

It’s amazing how nonchalant a doctor can be, when you discover that a lump is growing inside of your body, and that you are developing new symptoms.

You have a lump on your abdomen? You are experiencing feelings of pressure and discomfort across the left side of your ribs? Don’t you worry about it, my dear. You know, if you die, at least you made it to 50…

Okay, maybe my doctor isn’t quite that bad, but rather than get an MRI done, as I suggested, she’s interested in looking at a CAT scan that I had nearly 7 months ago. And, I never get to see her personally, as she is with more important patients. I am handed off to her nurse practitioner constantly, who is very nice, and seems fairly thorough, but isn’t a DOCTOR!

I’ve been trying very hard not to freak out here. Some moments I am successful, others I am not.

I’ve been listening to guided meditations. Making plans with friends. Doing art work, when I feel up to it. I’ve been attempting to distract myself in a myriad of ways, but can’t manage to sustain the level of distraction needed in this case.

I’m dying! I’m dying! I’m dying! Keeps running through my head at remarkable speeds. I cannot catch it, and tame my thinking.

I feel a great deal of frustration, too, because I believe that my diagnosis of depression/anxiety is looked at first, before anything else. And, my concern is not taken as seriously as it might be, were I a NORMAL human being. Of course the fact that I have had decades living with Crohn’s disease doesn’t seem to factor into this.

It’s like, how weird and maladjusted Wendy is. What is her problem, I wonder? Why doesn’t she just relax, and take a chill pill…

It’s just so strange, how getting turned away at 22, when I had a complete intestinal blockage, by my doctor at the time, affected my trust level when it comes to doctors! Or, the fact that when I went into this very doctor’s office that I am still(why?) seeing, I had a partial intestinal blockage which was not correctly diagnosed.

I’d see another doctor, but it seems that no one who is good has any room in their busy schedules, for new patients.

It’s amazing how nervous I feel, thinking that I might have CANCER! Again, the sensitivity of my doctor is really lacking in this department. My request for an MRI, my shared concerns, my frustration-all has been received by the office staff at Dr. C….’s practice. The idea that she might consider calling me, and attempting to calm me down has not occurred to her. If it did, she went, Nah, let’s forget about that one.

Yes, I am ranting. I am well aware of this. Sometimes, I need to rant, and to be sarcastic, to get out all of the pent up emotions that build up and up and up in my gut, until they are spilling out of my mouth. Filling up my brain. Until my head is ready to explode, or ignite, like a tree hit by lightning.

4 Comments

  1. Waiting is the worst, and so is being fobbed off (which has also made me very distrusting of doctors and specialists over the years!) and made to feel as though something such as a lump isn’t important. Sending a hug your way xxxxx

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