Worrisome Thoughts

I can’t sleep. It’s after 3 AM. I got a call from my doctors office yesterday, soon after I had the ultrasound done. Apparently, the radiologist doesn’t know what my lump is. He suggested a biopsy.

I just have this strong sense that the results of the biopsy are not going to be good. I have not been feeling well recently, and I have not been my usual self.

I have been thinking about what I will do, if things are as I imagine with my health.

I definitely want to go back to Hawaii, while I’m still able to manage the trip. I found a beautiful room for rent in Captain Cook, which is South of Kona, and much less touristy.

Kealakekua Bay is a gorgeous snorkeling spot. Clear aqua waters that shimmer in the sun. The room that I’m looking into, is right by there. Spinner dolphins frequent the Bay.

I’ve realized that snorkeling is one of my favorite things to do. It is so relaxing, and makes me feel vibrant, and connected to all of life. I hope I have the opportunity to do it again.

I’m realizing that if I do have cancer, many people around me, especially my parents, will have very strong ideas of what must be done. I also know, that if I am dying, I am going to do things my way. No compromises.

This will be hard, as my parents worry about me, normally, when everything is going well. They subscribe purely to Western Medicine, and give it a great deal of stock. I’m not saying that if I needed radiation, or more, I would refuse it. But it would be my decision, based on research I do, and weighing all the options.

Death doesn’t scare me that much. It’s the process of dying, and especially of dying in pain and discomfort that disturbs me. I am quite certain, from some profound experiences that I’ve had, which I won’t go into, that death is only a doorway. Not an ending.

I would refuse to be in the hospital at the end, regardless of when that is. In 6 months, one year, or twenty. I’d want to die at home, with my friends and family around me.

I’m sure that some people reading this are thinking I’m being morbid, and jumping to conclusions without evidence. I hope that I’m wrong about this. At the same time, I’ve always had a strong intuitive sense, and I know my body well.

I will not spend my time seeking out miracle cures, or seeing alternative doctors, or shamans. Though I believe that it’s good to be hopeful, I also refuse to waste my time there. I would want to live as fully as possible before I die, if that is what my prognosis is. Not shelling out cash to individuals who claim they can cure me.

I think some of my friends will also have a difficult time respecting my wishes, and leaving my decisions to me. I’m not interested in engaging in behaviors to soothe other’s psyches, rather than my own. If I am dying, this is about me. I refuse to put myself in the role of comforting others, rather than focusing on my own needs.

I feel like I’ve spent a good part of my life taking care of people emotionally. It’s been rewarding in ways, but also very draining. I will need all of the energy I have in the coming months, I will not accept meddling in what my choices are.

As I said earlier, I could be wrong about this. I of course hope I am wrong. But the nausea, and increasing fatigue has me worried.

I suppose I will know soon enough what the truth of the matter is.

3 Comments

  1. I also hope you are wrong about this. Which you very well could be. There are other possible causes for you feeling unwell. But at the same time, I would be thinking like you in your situation, it’s hard not to. Dream big, remember the things you love, have things to look forward to; you can go on your trip, go back snorkeling. I’m not sure whether you’ve had the biopsy done, or whether you need to go back to have this taken. Have they given you any ideas of a timeline for getting the test/results? Sending a big hug your way – and heaps of positive thoughts because you don’t know anything yet (though this may be one of the hardest parts..the wondering and waiting) xx

  2. Thank you so much. You are a sweet, kind soul. I don’t have a timeline yet regarding the whole process here. I think when I see the surgeon on Wednesday, I will know more. I have not had the biopsy yet. So, much waiting is ahead. Yes, that is almost harder than knowing definitively negative results. The not know is so exhausting! I’m going to Hawaii regardless. Trying to find a good Oncologist there. Not sure where to begin… Much love, W

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