My Porcupine Nature

It seems like so many of us are ill at ease, and dragging ourselves through each day, recently. It’s like we’re all connected to one another, and there is so much suffering that people are enduring, from natural disasters, violence, and sickness. If you are sensitive at all, I believe that you are picking up on this energy.

I’ve been much angrier lately than usual. Much more downhearted, and dejected. Some of it I’m sure is related to personal things, but I am wondering if some of it is due to the state of the world at large.

Sometimes I have this sense that I don’t really belong here. I’ve never felt that I truly fit in. I’ve often felt like a porcupine, constantly being irritated, and shooting out quills.

I’ve had a lump on my abdomen for 6 months to a year, now. My Osteopathic doctor examined it yesterday, and suggested, quite strongly, that I see a surgeon and have it removed.

I’m sure you can guess where my thoughts took me. Cancer loomed large in my thoughts all day. I’ve been expending a great deal of energy, just trying to remain focused on more positive things. Frequently, when my mind wanders off into unpleasantness, it takes my every effort to bring it back home.

A lot has been on my plate lately. In part because I’ve been so tired and down, my temper has been somewhat out of control. This isn’t common for me, but it happens enough that I’ve alienated friends and acquaintances because of it.

The other day, I blew up at a very dear friend via email. I was very hurt by her reaction to an inquiry I made.

Sometimes, I feel rage building up inside me like a wave, and it crashes down hard on those I love, who are undeserving of it. I feel quite powerless under the intensity of its force. Mostly, it comes when I feel rejected, or wrongly judged.

This doesn’t excuse my outbursts, when they happen. I know rationally that I must keep my mouth shut, and stay away from my computer and phone, when I’m feeling this way.

Maybe it will take losing one of my closest friends, to finally alter my behavior around this.

Whatever the case, I am now aware of how essential it is for me to find healthy ways to release my anger, rather than using it as a weapon that I aim at people I love and care about.

 

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