Releasing Self-Judgment

I’ve been feeling a bit depressed recently. I think that part of why I’m feeling this way has to do with the changing seasons. It’s not that I love summertime here in Ashland. It’s way too hot, and there is a propensity for forest fires every year.

The shorter days, and darkness hitting early really effect me. Also, there is just this feeling of hopelessness that is pervasive given the leadership in this country, and where we seem to be headed.

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I slept more today, than I like to. Partly because I’m feeling extremely wiped out, and partly because I’m feeling down.

I was noticing this evening, after I did a guided meditation, that I judge myself harshly when I am depressed, and can’t get out of that space. Which makes me more depressed.

Slamming myself with criticism to get myself out of a slump never works!

So, tonight, I am practicing being kinder to myself. Sometimes these moods descend on me, and they pass when they are ready to go. Nothing I do can erase that sense of dullness and woe.

While being depressed is certainly not fun, it becomes more oppressive when I fight against it, and when the critic rears her ugly head. “Come on, things aren’t that bad, what’s your problem? You have a lot of chores that need to get done, so get off your ass. What are you depressed about, anyway?”

Often it’s hard for me to identify this voice. It feels like it’s my voice, but it isn’t. Training myself to shift out of the running commentary of why I’m such a horrible person is intense work.

I wonder if I’m ever going to be able to permanently silence that nasty voice in my head? I’m not sure. I’m going to keep on trying.

 

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