Woefully Deficient

So, I am half joking with this title. I understand that because I deal with physical and, sometimes emotional problems, life can be a bit of a challenge for me.

I will start by commending myself for making my first healthy, Vegan meal, since I got here one week ago. Hoorah for me!

Now to get into some of the more self critical, judgmental thoughts that I carry inside me.

Why is it so fucking hard for me to be organized? I feel like the part of the brain that is used for multi-tasking and organizational skills, is absent, in my case.

I’m fine, if all I have to do is paint. Or, if all I have to do is write. But I get really confused when I need to combine everything all together. Planning, you say? How?

Sorry. My blood sugar is very low, because my meal isn’t yet ready. My shorts are beginning to sag around my waist and fall off-which isn’t an entirely a bad things.

I think of my mother, who took care of Matthew and myself, two desperately sick children, while caring for my father, the house, meals, and more. I’m somewhat in awe of her abilities, to be frank. Not that I thought so much about it when I was a kid.

I get stuck in these ruts of behavior, that I find it very hard to extricate myself from. Like sitting on my phone and computer for several hours when I wake up in the morning. It’s shocking! And it doesn’t leave me feeling too terrific about life, or about myself.

I know that going off on myself doesn’t solve things, either. How can we be aware, and patient with ourselves, when it comes to making even what seems like the slightest of changes?

I suppose, at some level, I never have had to completely care for myself. Being so sick for so many years, I always had my mom there for me. Though I haven’t lived at home for ages, there is something in me that rebels at the thought of having order in my life. Some part of me fancies doing whatever I want, whenever I want.

It doesn’t feel good, and it doesn’t work.

One of my goals for my 50th year, is to take better care of my body. I’m not speaking of going to the gym, or anything drastic like that. I just want to eat healthier, and more regularly, and not zoom around in a hypoglycemic haze so much of the time.

Maybe I need to start with just one thing to change in my life. Adding anything more just weighs me down, and makes it hard for me to accomplish anything.

If we all focused on one thing in our lives, within our control(to some degree), that we feel we could do better, to serve ourselves better, we’d probably all get somewhere with that. At least some of us.

Despite my negative leanings, I am going to try this. I’ll get back to you about it, before I turn 51, next September.



  1. I think that baby steps is the more effective way for some of us to make lasting changes. It’s easier to change one thing at a time than to upset the whole apple cart all at once.

    When I got clean & sober, I had to rearrange pretty much my whole life all at once; it was hard. It was very hard. These days, I find that gradual changes are easier to make into lasting changes.

    Good luck with this phase of your journey!

    1. I agree, Cynthia. I’ve spent a long time bashing myself over the head about all of the things I’m not. Doesn’t seem to accomplish anything! After 49 years of life, perhaps I’m starting to get the idea…

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