Escaping the Darkness

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I was sitting facing the night outside, and noticed my reflection on the window. The light above me is fairly bright, but it’s not illuminating my countenance enough to see me clearly.

Often, I feel like I cannot see myself as I really am. This dark fog inhabits my brain, and blurs my reality. The hardest thing for me during these depressive episodes is to remember that they will pass.

A big part of being depressed is this sense that my feelings will never change. That I will never feel any joy, or contentment, ever again.

It’s not rational, but hey, since when is emotional pain something you can reason with?

The house I’m staying in gets very hot inside. With my health issues, like fatigue that will not relent, I do not function well in intense heat. Lethargy overtakes me, and I head for the bed.

Getting myself out of bed, is a real challenge. I lie there, knowing that I will feel better, if I can push myself into standing position, and do something other than ruminating.

The sense of momentum that I believe most people experience normally, isn’t there at all, when I’m feeling down. Moving myself takes all of my focus, all of my energy. It’s as if bricks are setting on my shoulders, that go all the way up, up, up into the heavens.

I found an ad for a lovely home, on 8 acres of property, with a killer view of the ocean, today. I contacted the owners, and discovered that they live in Grants Pass, which is less than an hour from Ashland. Quite strange.

As usual, I’m questioning myself and my motives for considering moving yet again. I have one acquaintance here in Hawaii, and that’s it. I feel like something dark and heavy is chasing me. I can never quite see it. It hides when I turn to look at it.

I don’t mean to sound all doom and gloom. That’s just how I’m feeling at the moment. It’s amazing how my mood can bottom out when I’m exhausted.

I remind myself that I am in Hawaii. I tell myself that I have many gifts to be thankful for. I talk to myself incessantly, gently, trying to lift myself up.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.

Something about writing about my feelings has always been helpful to me. It’s like all of these thoughts banging around in my head have a place to go, and I don’t feel so burdened by them.

I need to figure out a theme for my blog, that doesn’t necessarily focus on my deepest feelings. Perhaps I am sharing more than I’d like to, with the 6 people who read my writing!

In the coming weeks, I’d like to reinvent this blog, and stay a little more focused on actions rather than ideas. I’ve always been a good thinker-I can think endlessly about problems, and come up with no solutions. Getting myself to act is much harder.

 

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