Anywhere Else But Here

Today I came close to booking a flight to Hawaii for the first week of September. Actually, I did book a flight, but I’m embarrassed to admit it. Given that my financial resources are limited, I would have needed to survive on a credit card were I to go. I was able to cancel without an additional fee, due to a flight change the airline made at the last minute.

Yes, it is disgustingly hot, smoky as all hell, and depressing being inside my house all day. Can’t get out much, or I start coughing, and my eyes get super itchy.

So, why did I change my mind?

Hmm. Wondering if I made the right choice…

If I had enough cash to travel to Hawaii, I would have kept the reservation. But I’ve learned repeatedly that credit card debt isn’t funny.

I also have been noticing my desire to escape from my life, from myself, from Ashland. It’s very strong. I guess that I don’t think that it’s such a healthy drive. Always, there is something better out in the world, where I’ll be happier. (Okay, so I was happier, and I did feel healthier while on the Big Island.)

People in Ashland have really been struggling as a whole, to keep their spirits up. Most of us have not been terribly successful. I am no exception.

I’ve been totally disordered in my life, with no schedule. I wake up and I sit on the computer for hours, looking into foreign destinations where I can pet sit, or be a personal assistant for a room, or whatever.

All of this time in front of the computer seriously makes me feel more sick and despondent. It’s very addictive. I’m not good at reeling myself in, and slamming my lap-top closed.

I think all of us kind of have a strange relationship with technology. It’s like, “Oh, I’m feeling slightly uncomfortable!”, and out comes the phone.

I was born way before personal computers came out. I used to know how to entertain myself without one. I seem to have partially lost that ability. I’m sort of desperate to get it back.

What did we all do, without our cell-phones? Can anyone remember? I know it’s hard for me to.

I want to feel more present in my life. I want to feel more connected to the earth. I sort of understand which direction I’d like to go in, but I have difficulty being disciplined.

It’s really hard to be sick, and at home, and to get things done. You would think that I’d get tons accomplished with all the free time I have. It doesn’t work that way.

My new goal is to EAT BREAKFAST, and HAVE COFFEE, when I awaken. Rather than sitting on the computer for 3 hours first thing.

I’d also like to do more art, reading, and writing. I’d go to Lithia Park, if the smoke wasn’t such a strong deterrent. The sun has been hot pink late in the afternoon, and in the early evening. I was told by a native Los Angelean, that it reminds him of the smog he grew up with there.

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