The fine line between acceptance and despair

So I’ve been struggling with both physical and mental health issues for a very long time. Since I was 10. It’s been nearly 40 years that I’ve dealt with symptoms ranging from debilitating fatigue, intestinal blockages, and suicidal thinking. It got old a long time ago.

My mental health status has been much improved mostly, over the past several years since I moved to Oregon.

Over the past two weeks , I’ve been noticing that my depression level has significantly worsened. This always makes me nervous, and brings up feelings about my past.

I was speaking to my therapist today, who has worked with me since I moved here. I spoke of finding a level of acceptance of both myself and my limitations, that I have not yet been able acheive.

I was thinking hard last night, about how to be accepting without fatalism. I know that though I’ve been unable to work at a paid job since high school, that doesn’t mean I haven’t been working.

So much of the work that people do is not appreciated. So many individuals are underpaid, and work thankless jobs to pay the bills.

I’d really like to be in a position where my energy enabled me to work at a part time job. Where I could get paid for writing, or something else that is of value to me.

Because I have a blank resume, it makes it very hard to get the attention of employers. Making meals, cleaning my house, maintaining some level of organization all take effort for me.

On the one hand, I don’t want to give up on the idea of a ‘real’ job. On the other hand, I feel stretched at it is, just taking care of myself.

I’ve realized that I don’t truly appreciate the work that I have done through the decades. Does working hard always equate with getting paid, and being appreciated for a job well done? I don’t think so.

I’m working now on finding a sense of peace with my health limitations, and with the personality traits that limit me. I’m working on growing enough, to see the beauty in myself, and to give myself credit for how far I’ve come. I’m attempting to come to the understanding that the hardest work we do, which I believe is on ourselves, is of the greatest value.






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