Mysterious Mood Changes

I was very thankful today when I woke up to find that my depressive thoughts had lifted. I’m uncertain as to why this happens. I can have days, or even weeks where I feel horribly low. I’ll try everything I can to lift myself out of the dumps. Sometimes I’m wholly ineffective in this endeavor. Anyone who has suffered with severe depression will understand where I’m coming from.

Then something chemical shifts? I’m not even sure what goes on in that brain and body of mine, to make me feel human again.

I woke up and read an article that was emailed to me, from the Daily Om, a site that I follow. It spoke to what I’ve been dealing with recently. It was about how we can fail to see the gifts we have, and the beauty right in front of us. How we can constantly distract ourselves with what we want. How that desperate wanting for things we cannot have(like sanity and health!), causes untold suffering.

Of course, if I had read this yesterday morning, I would have gotten very little out of this essay. It probably would have pissed me off.

It’s interesting how we have to be in the right space to absorb information in a useful way. When I’m in the depths of despair, much of the self-help writing that I see strikes me as simplistic. It feels like propaganda!

It’s easy to understand all this stuff intellectually. Theory and practice are so far apart.

In my opinion, the writing that helps us most just nudges us into remembering what we already know. There’s a lot of crap in the self-help industry, that adds to existing guilt, and serves to make me feel inadequate.

The idea that we can manifest every desire, and that we have complete control over our destinies is ridiculous. I certainly wish that life was like this, but it’s not. At least not for myself, or for the people I know and love. Or for war torn countries, and individuals that suffer intensely for a huge range of reasons which they have no control over.

I think part of maintaining a sense of balance has to do with discovering what we can change in ourselves and our lives, and what we cannot. I’ve wasted a lot of energy on trying to make changes in areas far beyond my control.

It can be daunting to admit to myself what I can’t budge within my reality. I have to be very honest with myself to be clear about where I do actually possess the power. My ideas about this change constantly.

I’ve experienced a lot of guilt in regards to my health issues, and my inability to ‘get healthy’. I’m seeing how this adds enormously to my existing level of suffering.

More and more I’m letting go of the guilt that hampers me from enjoying my life. Who has the time for it? I certainly don’t. If the inner work that I’m doing, and I continue to do, helps me to lessen that burden, then it’s well worth the effort.

Life is difficult enough for me without the added misery of self-blame, and self-denigration!

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