Baby Steps

Kind of at a loss about what to write tonight. Ate a hugely filling and fattening dinner at the best Mexican restaurant in town. I find that the more stuffed I am, the slower my brain works.

Doing my best to escape the clutches of depression. The air quality in Ashland is horrifically bad, due to several serious fires in Oregon happening at once. Normally, I can sit in my rocking chair on my deck, without coughing, and I can see the clouds, the hillsides and the trees around me. This hasn’t been the case since my return from Hawaii.

I know that it’s grounding and healing for me to be out in nature as much as I possibly can be. When I’ve gone out lately, I have trouble breathing, my eyes itch and water, and it’s generally not a positive experience.

Since the smoke is depriving me, and so many Oregonians from being out of doors, it’s even more difficult for me not to become trapped by my thoughts.

It’s interesting how physical and mental suffering can be intense on it’s own, but grows when I unintentionally add pain to the situation by criticizing and judging myself. This judgment can include tirades concerning my inability to be more positive, while I’m depressed. Not very helpful at all!

I actually feel horrible, about feeling horrible, which compounds everything further. Does anyone else do this? I can’t believe I’m SO unique that I’m alone in this behavior.

I’ve written in the past about habits that we have that become ingrained over years and decades of a life time. I’m so used to diving into the depths of despair, that I often don’t notice how I’m contributing to getting myself there.

There is an insulting and incredibly hurtful voice that I hear many times throughout each day. It tells me how I’m being insensitive, or unappreciative, or inappropriately upset in my interactions with others. It has less power over me than it once did, but I wish that it would just dry up and go away!

And no, I’m not psychotic and hearing voices. I’m quite clear that these are voices from the past that have taken over and tend to prevent me from enjoying myself, and feeling good about who I am.

Being able to see what I’m doing, take a breath, and slow my brain down for a moment or two, can be helpful. But, I must first be aware of what I’m doing. That isn’t always easy. But it’s a beginning, and that is something.

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