It used to be that I’d date just about anyone to have someone to go out with on a Friday night. I had boyfriends that treated me badly. Boyfriends that I couldn’t communicate with. Boyfriends who most likely cheated on me.
Somehow, it always seemed better than being alone.
I believe that many people, women especially, feel this kind of insecurity about being single. It makes sense. If we listen to the society that surrounds us, we are meant to be part of a couple, part of a family. It can be quite lonely having to walk your own path without a partner beside you.
At the same time, it’s easy to devalue oneself, and to live a life without examination, when you never have the opportunity to be on your own.
I’ve put up with a lot of poor treatment from men, because I was afraid of being without one. What’s funny is that in the past 6 months since my relationship ended, I’ve noticed that mostly I’ve been happier and more confident, than I was beforehand.
There are nights where I feel lonely. Where I don’t quite know what to do with myself. Nights where there is yearning for companionship.
In the past I’ve fallen apart when relationships of mine ended. I’ve felt so overwhelmed with pain and fear, that I’ve been unable to cope.
As I’ve grown, and learned to see my own value, it’s become easier to not be fixated on finding a boyfriend. I don’t know if I want to be single for the rest of my life, but I am enjoying my freedom. I am feeling enriched by my ability now, to focus on myself, to focus on what moves me.
The passion that I’ve felt in some of my relationships with men has been eclipsed by the passion that I’m experiencing now for living. Or perhaps it’s more a satisfaction, or appreciation for being in a place where I enjoy being alone.
I always wanted men to like me, and would go to extremes to be ‘attractive’. I would sometimes pretend to be someone else, become the actress for these men I dated. Anything to ‘make’ men want me. Even if it meant giving away a part of myself, and lying to myself about what I truly needed.
I don’t want to go to that place again. I know that I will have to be vigilant. It’s easy to get pulled in the wrong direction, to forget oneself. I’m enjoying getting to know myself better. It’s a gift to remember who you really are. I’m doing my best to befriend myself, and to be loyal to myself.
Whether I’m single or with a mate, I hope that I can remember that what is most important is that I like myself and I appreciate the person I’ve become.