I’ve noticed that I have a much easier time taking care of my spiritual needs, than I do my physical needs.
It’s so nice to meditate, to go for a walk in nature, to think deeply about the universe and and how I fit into it.
Somehow, cooking, and cleaning aren’t so lofty. They require a different kind of devotion. One that is equally demanding, and just as valuable as any spiritual practice.
I’m so wiped out right now. I’m having trouble thinking clearly, and spelling simple words. Did I make myself dinner? No. Have I been taking care of my body over the last month? No.
I can’t figure out why I feel disdainful of my physical needs. Something in me seeks to dismiss my body as unimportant. Having dealt with a chronic illness most of my life, I often want to forget about it altogether.
The thing is having been ill for so long one would think that I’d take my body’s needs more seriously than most. You’d think I’d have feeding myself properly down by now. Well, I don’t.
Something in me is so pissed off about having been sick for so long, and for being constantly exhausted that I don’t want to be bothered by the inconveniences of having a body. Sounds extremely silly, I know.
I have a headache, and my stomach is gurgling. I have not fed myself since around 1 today. I have no plans for dinner. I am waiting for them to materialize in front of me. It’s not going to happen.
Cooking and getting organized when you are ready to fall asleep doesn’t work well. I’ve tried it many times, and usually end up frustrated, with a plate of inedible food that I have to gag down to eat. It’s really so unnecessary, I know.
It’s like, I want to spend the small amount of energy that I have doing fun things! I don’t want to attend to the banalities of life, like having to feed myself!
The sun is setting above the ocean right now. The clouds are floating gracefully together and forming new shapes. The quality of light is delicate. The ocean appears endless. The bright green grass, trees of every variety, and flowers set off the softness of the clouds.
If I don’t take care of my body, I won’t be around very long to see such beauty, or to feel the ocean breeze across my face. I know this, and it saddens me. I am stuck in resentment that I take out on my own body.
I’ve got to take a break here. It’s time for me to figure out what I’m doing for dinner.