Vacation From Myself?

It’s interesting how when I initially travel to a new locale, I am a new person. At least for awhile…

I’ve noticed that I’ve fallen back into my old ways, after being in Hawaii now for over 2 weeks. No more running out to do exciting things, or getting showered and ready by 10.

I’m currently sitting in my nightgown. Have not eaten breakfast. Been fiddling around on the computer for two whole hours. Doing what?

I think I like to travel in part because I believe at some level that I can get away from myself, and be magically transformed into someone else. Someone adventurous, outgoing, comfortable with herself, and with the world in general.

For a short while I do become the person that I wish to be. But, it isn’t lasting. Even vacationing to an exotic place like Hawaii does not prevent me from going down those familiar roads of self-doubt. It does not erase my self-critical nature. And it does not make me feel more at home within myself.

Don’t get me wrong-I’m pleased to have had the opportunity to stay in Hawaii for the month, house-sitting a lovely home, taking care of a lovely kitty!

No matter how many vacations I take, or new places I visit, I am unfortunately stuck with myself and my neurosis. Though I have worked very diligently through the decades on understanding my weaknesses, and embracing my strengths, I am stuck with myself. For good or ill.

Kind of disappointing to discover. Learning to like myself, and embrace myself at a deep level is a full time job. One that has spanned my lifetime.

It’s nice to think about enlightenment, and of reaching that point where I’m elevated above daily concerns. Thus far, I’ve found that realm of consciousness to be elusive.

I am a messy, complicated mass of emotions, and of thoughts. I suppose the truth is that we all are. It’s tough to feel like a unified whole. To make sense of all of my inner contradictions. Perhaps part of the answer for me is to stop trying so hard to understand why I am the way I am?

However many steps I take forward, I take a number of steps backwards. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get to the place that I’ve been striving to reach for so long. Perhaps my efforts are worthwhile. Maybe this is just what it’s like to be a human being. Moments of freedom, where I’m light, airy and above the struggle of daily existence. Hours and days where I’m tied to the earth and to my often overwhelming concerns and expectations.

I’m not certain. And knowing myself I will continue the search for self knowledge. I will continue to be baffled by myself, and by humanity. Something in me can’t be satisfied. And I’m guessing it never will be.


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