I think that this afternoon was my first in Hawaii, where I really started to feel my loneliness at being so solitary. Tomorrow will mark the two week point of my journey.
I realize that being alone doesn’t necessarily mean being lonely. I’m learning, as a woman nearing 50, that I actually enjoy spending time by myself.
Obviously, balance is a good thing in every aspect of our lives. It is very quiet here on the Eastern side of the Big Island. I have been going to lunch alone, going grocery shopping alone, exploring sights alone. It’s beginning to wear on me.
It’s interesting how we can feel more lonely surrounded by people, than we do on our own. Sitting at a table on the balcony, watching couples celebrate and enjoy their meals isn’t easy for me.
I don’t believe that being a loner is truly my nature. I do definitely have times when I isolate, and feel overwhelmed by humanity. I am currently experiencing a longing for my dear friends in Ashland, that is hitting me hard. And even a desire for Ashland, itself.
It’s tempting to think that when you are away from home, and on vacation, all of your burdens have been lifted. It’s been appealing to me to imagine living here on this breathtaking island.
I often wish to run away from my life. To start anew. To redefine who I am, and to be seen differently than the people that I’ve known for years see me. I find it can be hard to grow and transform, when others have this expectation of who you are. We see ourselves reflected in other people’s eyes. Especially those people that we love.
Yes, it is magnificent here. The natural splendor is intoxicating. Something about being here on my own, though, with the ability to share with photos, and phone calls alone, feels sad to me. I think it’s natural for us to want to share the beauty in our lives. As well as the internal shifts in our souls.
There is much to do here, and a great deal to see. The climates range vastly on different parts of the island. The thought of living in paradise is so tempting. But not without my friends, who love me, and help to guide me through this life. Without them, I am lost, and it becomes easier for me to forget who it is that I really am.