It’s interesting how my perspective has been shifting, since I found that lump in my abdomen. Things that I didn’t give much thought or attention before, have burst out into the forefront. Some things that I thought were of utmost importance, don’t seem all that key in my life, now.
I’ve thought a lot, about how from the day we are born, we are living, but we are dying, too. We’re on this path that can only end in one place, no matter who we are. How rich, or poor, self-satisfied, or meed, kind, or cruel.
Even someone like myself, who has dealt with serious illness for most of my life, forgets that Wendy Bloom isn’t going to be here forever. Not at an intellectual level, so much, but at a deeper level than that. Perhaps we must have some level of amnesia, to survive.
I don’t really know what this lump will mean to me in the future. If it will be something that can easily be removed, or if it will be cancer. I’ve been feeling nauseous, more tired than usual, and have been experiencing strange and uncomfortable pressure on my abdomen.
It’s hard to say how many of my symptoms are from worry, and how many are connected to that big lump growing out of my side. I suppose I will know soon enough.
There are moments, where I feel almost physically punched by the beauty around me. The view of the mountains from my deck inspires a sort of sweet sadness in me, that I don’t recall having felt before.
I’m paying more attention to what’s around me. What I’ve accomplished in my life, and what I haven’t. Thoughts of what I’ll do if this is serious, or if it isn’t, have also been flitting through my brain.
I’ve been visualizing images from my time in Hawai’i, a great deal lately. I wanted to access the iCloud with my computer, but don’t have the proper system. Since I have over 3,000 photos in my phone, it’s hard to go through them and pick out the ones that I like.
I know I’m jumping the gun here, and thinking of things that I need not think about, but I’ve realized that when I die, I want to be cremated, and sprinkled into the ocean, by where I swam with the dolphins. Kealakekua Bay, is where I swam, and where people see dolphins all the time.
If I don’t have anything seriously wrong with me, I’d like to go back there-walking off the plane, rather than being carried in an Urn. I’d like to return as soon as possible. I feel so much more alive when I’m in Hawai’i, than when I’m anywhere else. I also feel connected to the earth in a way that I hadn’t ever before, in my past.
Being sick from 10 years old, and having a brother who was also physically limited, meant that we did not get outdoors a lot, while I was growing up. We never went camping, or to nature camp away from home. I remember lying on the couch and watching t.v. a lot, while I was young, because that was all I could find the energy to do.
I’ve made many mistakes in this life, and I haven’t always learned my lesson. I hope that I am given the opportunity to make the changes in myself that I’d like to make, that need to be made for me to be happy, and to be in relationships with friends and family that flourish.
Life seems very precious right now. As do the people I know and love. My cat Priscilla has been a real sweetheart. I know that she senses that everything isn’t right with me(though, really, it never is…)
I’ve been buoyed by the encouragement and support that I’ve been receiving from friends and family. I reached out with my concerns, and they met me with kindness and caring, which is such a great gift.
My parents are very private people. Somehow, they gave birth to me! I need to express my feelings and who I am in a volume of different ways. Including blogging about my most personal issues.
So, even if no one is reading my writing, I know that getting it out there helps me to feel stronger. Helps me to cope. Clears my thinking, and makes everything dark and ambiguous come out into the light.